Love is a Battlefield
by Unoriginality
Summary: Spike rambling about his feelings for Buffy; written exactly one week before the Valentine's Day eppie


**_Love is a Battlefield_**_  
By: Unoriginality  
_

_ You're begging me to go  
Then makin' me stay  
Why do you hurt me so bad?  
It would help me to know  
Do I stand in your way?  
Or am I the best thing you've had?  
Believe me, believe me  
I can't tell you why  
But I'm trapped by your love  
And I'm chained to your side _  
--Pat Benatar  


Blonde hair, blue eyes, legs that never end... that's the current Slayer. She looks like she just walked off the cover of Vogue or Teen or some bloody poof magazine like that, even when she finishes with battle, with her hair messy in just the right places... You either hate her or you love her. 

Me? I sit with the awful gray area of both. 

I don't know why, though I've gone over it in my head a hundred damn times, but I've been obsessed with Buffy Sommers ever since I laid eyes on her. I could tell that she was an exceptional fighter, and would- despite her shaky start- be perhaps the world's strongest Slayer yet. And bugger, but I was right. That girl has stood up to more than vampires and your run-of-the-mill half-breed demons, but full-blooded demons (which in itself is enough to send someone running at the meer sight of her), various "It's the end of the world" threats, the gates of Hell itself threatening to swallow this miserable planet whole, two inevitable heartbreaks that would have driven a normal human girl insane, and yet she still stand strong, an unbreakable barrier to all that is evil. Hell, now she's even facing off with a _god_ , for bloody hell's sake. 

I think it was that strength that first caught my attention. I've killed my share of people, everyone from the weak invalid infants to the strongest warriors, including two Slayers, one that was much like Buffy. But I knew that defeating Buffy would be a daunting task at best, impossible at worst. I became obsessed with it. I had to defeat her, one way or another. My obsession even drove Dru away. I didn't care. I had to conquor Buffy Sommers no matter the cost. 

I wasn't prepared in anyway for this new alternative that has suddenly presented itself and crammed it's disgustingly human way into my delicate vampire brain. My poor demented brain just met with a virgin idea. 

She's worried about that sister of her, the Key. I can see it in her eyes as I light my cigarette. I didn't bloody mean for Dawn to find out that rot about her being a blob of energy and all through books, I was only looking out for her 'cause I thought Buffy would appreciate someone looking out for her when she wasn't. Maybe if she'd been more honest. But then again, I'm not "Mr. Honesty is my policy". 

I was caught completely off-guard by the very notion that my obsession and hate had flipped the coin to love. Love, hate, I wonder what the bloody difference is. First I wanna kill her, then I wanna screw her brains out. Life sucks and how's everything with you? 

Wouldn't be so bad, but she seems completely turned off by the very thought. I don't see what Angel had that I don't, except maybe a soul.... but kudos for me for being able to love without one, right? I don't think I'll approach her about the idea until I can learn to NOT beat my Dummy Buffy over the head with chocolates, however. Nearly couldn't fix the wig that time. 

The cement walls of the crypt shake with a force that makes me wonder if they'll collapse and I'll be a big pile of dust as she slams the door and leaves. I stare silently at the door of what I call home sweet home and wish for the life of me that I hadn't said what I'd said to her, though it was all true and she deserved it. She comes in here, blaming me for the fact that Dawn went snooping through Giles stuff and found out something that Buffy should've told her sometime ago. 

There she is again, tormenting me even in her absence. I can't kill her, I can't defeat her, I'm even beginning to think that Miss Big Bad Goddes from the Btich dimension Glory doesn't stand a chance in heaven, hell, or earth. 

But I can't love her either. I'm a vampire without a soul, she's a Slayer who's repulsed by the things I take pride in. There's always been something between her and myself, something neither one of us could explain except for as hate, but there have been many times in which she could've staked me, but she didn't. And I wonder why. 

Her eyes hypnotize me, a shade of blue only seen in the summer sky, something I will never see again, and so she becomes my window to the outside world, my light where there is none in my world, and an ally in battle, someone with whom we share shoulders, supporting each other when needed in a fight against the darkness. 

Yuck, and I thought I'd killed that pansy William the Bloody Terrible Poet when I became Spike. Maybe not. I'll have to work on that. 

She could kill me now, very easily, if she wanted, what with this chip in my head that prevents me from hurting anything human in anyway. She doesn't, as if some part of her can't bear to drive that stake through my inhuman, black little heart. As if I've become inadvertantly so much a part of her world that killing me would be like blowing up some major city therein. She looks to me for help and support, and sometimes if I'm lucky, comfort and my hopes build up to higher than the bloody Empire State Building. 

But then she gets angry at me, and her eyes cloud over, and become kind of grayish and flashy. It happens everytime something in her life goes wrong that I'm even remotely connected to, not necessarily as a cause, but just as someone who was there so she can take out her frustrations in a nice round of "Kick Spike's Impotent Ass Around the Crypt", and my hopes shatter like a mirror and the shards fall back down to the earth and injure millions. 

Or at least just me. 

So there she is again, just out of my reach no matter which side of the coin lands up, cruel blue eyes piercing through my cold heart, wind-blown hair seeming to swirl around her like a halo, burning gaze taunting me, daring me to make my move towards her, whether to kill her or love her, the former of which has proven futile in the past. 

I glance over towards where my ashtray is to decide if I want to get up to get it as I flick my ashes onto my dirty floor instead and notice that, caught up in the prospect of breaking into somewhere and watching over Buffy's little sister, that I forgot to give her her birthday present. It suddenly doesn't seem to be such a good idea to give her the chocolates, especially after giving a glance to where I've hidden Dummy Buffy. 

Well, come this evening I'll give it to her and leave before she has a chance to make a snippy remark that will crumble my slowly thawing heart to itty bitty pieces as she usually does. 

-----B&S-----

A very dumb move, if I don't say so myself, I tell myself over and over as I walk up to the porch where Buffy sits quietly, staring up at the stars. Dawn still won't talk to her apparently. I press the present tighter into the small of my back in an attempt to hide it better. 

"Buffy?" I call over to her, drawing her distracted attention away from the gigantic balls of gas burning millions of light years away, proving at least, that I'm temporarily more interesting than them. I force myself to exhibit confidence as I stride up to her. "Still won't talk to you?" She knows of course, I mean the girl upstairs. 

"No," she replies, chin resting sullenly in her hands. 

"Well, I don't know if this'll cheer you up or anything, but I'd meant to give it to you yesterday but your sister sidetracked me, so...." I pull the present out from behind my back and offer it to her. "Happy Birthday." She takes it, looking at it as if she can't for the life of her figure out why I of all people and demons would give her a birthday gift. She glances in the box and then back up at me. 

"Chocolates? Spike, you didn't have to get me chocolates for my birthday." 

"Yeah, well, I figured I owed ya for the food, which of course by food I mean blood, you've supplied me lately and I figured since it's your birthday, I'd get ya some of the girly sin food. They certainly do me no good." I turn to leave before she can say anything, almost hoping that she'll stop me, even if it is for one of her biting remarks that I've become quite familar with. 

"Spike?" Of course, I stop, waiting for the put-down that would leave me nursing my wounded self-esteem for weeks. "Thank you. And not just for the chocolates. For protecting my little sister last night. Who knows what would've happened without you." I keep my back turned so she can't see my smile until I get it down and my normal "whatever" expression back. 

"Yes, well, you owe me now, Slayer." She knows I'm kidding, of course, and flashes me a quick smile before turning back into the house. 

That went a lot better than I thought. Could've gone a lot worse. Which only means the torment grows, that burning gaze eating me alive, destroying me slowly but surely with the knowledge that Buffy Sommers will never be mine, not on the battlefield, nor in love. Taunting, teasing, laughing at pathetic little Spike as she sits just out of reach, unaware of the fire burning me from the inside out. 

But I do have her, on the battlefield, as she fights next to me. There, for a moment in time, she's mine. And maybe one day that battlefield will change. After all, love is a battlefield. 

----------------------  
Lyrics for Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar  
  
(We are young...we are young) We are young  
(Heartache to heartache) Heartache to heartache  
(We stand) We stand  
(No promises) No promises  
(No demands) No demands  
(Love is a battlefield) Love is a battlefield**  
** We are strong  
No one can tell us we're wrong  
Searching our hearts for so long  
Both of us knowing  
Love is a battlefield  
**  
** You're begging me to go  
Then makin' me stay  
Why do you hurt me so bad?  
It would help me to know  
Do I stand in your way?  
Or am I the best thing you've had?  
Believe me, believe me  
I can't tell you why  
But I'm trapped by your love  
And I'm chained to your side  
  
We are young  
Heartache to heartache  
We stand  
No promises, no demands  
Love is a battlefield  
We are strong  
No one can tell us we're wrong  
Searching our hearts for so long  
Both of us knowing  
Love is a battlefield  
**  
** We're losing control  
Will you turn me away  
Or touch me deep inside?  
And when all this gets old  
Will it still feel the same?  
There's no way this will die  
But if we get much closer  
I could lose control  
And if your heart surrenders  
You'll need me to hold  
  
We are young  
Heartache to heartache  
We stand  
No promises, no demands  
Love is a battlefield  
We are strong  
No one can tell us we're wrong  
Searching our hearts for so long  
Both of us knowing  
Love is a battlefield  
  
We are strong  
No one can tell us we're wrong  
Searching our hearts for so long  
Both of us knowing  
Love is a battlefield 


End file.
